When A Big Sister Loses A Little Sister

Grief is a funny, funny thing, isn't it?

This month marks 6 years since Kasie was murdered.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was here.  Other times it feels like a century we've been without her.

The end of April and beginning of May is usually a weird time for me ever since Kasie first went missing.  This time of year is marked with so much sadness since 2013.  But in subsequent years, this time of year has also held good things, like finding out the gender of LK (2015) and then announcing our pregnancy with LE (2017). (Interestingly, the day we found out Kasie died and the dates of the fun things with our babies all fell on the same day: May 4th.)

Regardless, this year hasn't felt particularly sad or difficult like some years have been.  I miss Kasie with all that is in me, but Jesus has seen me through it all and helped me heal (which is a continual process).  So usually I miss her in a fond way, not so much a sad way, which has been the case lately.

My best friend got engaged this week, and I'm absolutely over-the-moon excited for her.  Besides my brother's wedding (which was in TX, leaving me a little useless for the planning), this is the only other wedding I've been part of (other than my own - haha), and I get to be there for a lot of the planning and festivities since she's my best friend!

It hit me this morning that part of the reason I'm so excited about being there to help her plan and do ALL THE WEDDING THINGS is because I will never get to do those things with Kasie.  So there's this big part of me that is so very grateful for Toni (my bff) wanting me to be part of the process simply because I kind of get to do the big-sister-help-plan-the-wedding thing like I should have been able to do with Kasie!!

Up until this evening all I could feel was pure excitement about it.  Like literally jumping up and down with glee.

But then the kids went down for bed, and Matthew's at work, leaving me alone with my thoughts (time I normally really savor).  The excitement for Toni's wedding has been temporarily matched with grief over the countless big sister experiences that were lost when I lost Kasie.

I will never get to help her find the perfect wedding dress or plan her bachelorette party or give an embarrassing but hilarious MOH toast at her wedding reception or any of the other experiences I should have as the big sister of the bride.

So I'm a little sad tonight and missing my sister.

But I'm choosing simply to be grateful for the time I did have with Kasie, like our childhood experiences and my own wedding.  And I'm looking forward to being able to do the big sister wedding thing with Kristen one day in the future.

And I'm very much looking forward to planning with Toni.  I'm so grateful Jesus brought her into my life 10 years ago, shortly after moving to WA.  I can't wait to help her find THE dress and do silly bachelorette things and celebrate her and Jake.

So here's to sisters, ones born to us and ones we choose.